512 Words

The Jesus Chicken

Dann Casswell

Humanity was not the only race upon God's clean earth to be offered salvation. Many of the domesticated livestock have been offered a free place in the kingdom of heaven too. All in return for the ultimate sacrifice of living a good life.

Many of the saviors or would be saviors were less successful than the human Jesus. (Some might argue that even he had a pretty damn hard time getting his message of peace across to the war loving apes of mankind.) In the year 56 BC the son of God decided to go down to earth and sort things out a bit. After much argument with the man upstairs, he was born of a virgin chicken named Veronica, she unaware that her egg had been fertilized became broody. The Jesus chicken, or rather Jesus egg, was stolen from Veronica and eaten before the chick inside had much time to develop. The man responsible for eating the Jesus chicken was one Isaac Brownstone. He, unaware of what he had done, remarked to his wife on how strange it was that one of his chickens should have a fertilized egg when there was no cock on his farm and the next day began work putting extra fortifications on his hen coup. From that day on all good chickens went to chicken heaven and the bad ones to chicken hell.

Chicken heaven is a funny place.

Chicken hell is not very nice.

The cow Jesus (born of the virgin Bluebell) was in fact, the most successful of all the Jesuses. He was well understood by all cow kind and to this day the story of his coming and spit roasting still survives. Passed on from old cow to young, none of his message has been lost, and as a result cows never ever wage war on each other or commit hate crimes against one another or take drugs or any of the other stuff the Jesus cow told them not to do. (Mostly for their own good and only partly for his own amusement.)

Cow heaven is very much like cow earth only they can fly, (to reach the mythical "other side of the fence") don't have to be eaten and there are no horse flies or inedible vegetation.

Cow hell is very lonely and dry.

The most overlooked of all the Jesuses was the goat Jesus. (Born of the virgin Blossom.) Goats are often wrongly associated with Satan; they are actually genetically agnostic.

Never try to convince a goat of anything, let alone the existence of an all-powerful abstract concept. The Jesus goat unfortunately never reached full maturity. Slaughtered by the father of Saint Maria of the goat. Much to the dismay of his daughter who felt the young goat Jesus was cute and thus deserved to live.

Goat heaven is, surprisingly, an undersea paradise.

Goat hell is a gigantic super mall filled with cheap plastic crap.

Humanity chose to assume that only it was worth saving, and still lives in blind ignorance of the superior opinion our Lord has of cows.

Copyright ©2002 Dann Casswell. All Rights Reserved.

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March, 2002
Issue #71

512 Words